F U Pal - 2, iCandy - 0

So the first point for F U Pal came when Cass carried me for a man, got married, and I got the short end of the stick.

All over the place F U Pal has been trying to put little things in my face to blow me, and just make me feel like crap. Everyone's getting engaged, married, pregnant, going on big trips overseas with their boyfriends, fiances, husbands, etc...well all of that definitely made me say WTF a few times, but it wasnt until a few days ago that the 2nd point was scored.

So I think you all remember Young Gent from the beginning of the blog, well...Young Gent and I ended up pretty much living together, and being in one of those gray area non-relationship relationships (big nono). We used to always discuss me wanting kids, and him not wanting kids. I wanted to have at least 1 if we got married, and he didn't want any. He was very adament about this for A LONG TIME. Eventually he agreed that ONE was an option if we got married.

Well whole time, during the course of our situation there was this chick he use to mess with (before me) that I always felt he still had a thing for even tho he denied it.

Lemme just skip to the point. Basically Young Gent and I had a huge falling out earlier this year, and stopped talking for MONTHS. A few weeks ago I sent him a manly arrangement, and he texted me. We talked, and I found out he was apprehensive about talking to me b/c he was in the midst of some drama. The drama being that he's in the middle of finding out the paternity of this baby that may be his.

Now at first I was cool. Like...ok...cool. Well we hung out, and I started asking questions about the kid...you know, is it a girl or boy, how old is it, who's the Momma. He wouldnt answer any of them.

So, it turns out that the mother is the same girl who I thought he liked, and its not ONE baby, it's twins...TWO GIRLS! This is where I got in my feelings. I feel a lil jealous, and I can't lie. He calls her a joint, she's never met his fam, obviously something's off if he thinks the girls may not be his. How you have a baby....correction - 2 babies...with someone you call a joint, but didnt want kids after marriage with someone you actually cared for? See...niggas be slippin'! Now he's all blown b/c he may be the father and won't be able to see his kids every day, but damn! You didn't even really want kids, but then you have end up havin' them by a joint accidently?! I feel like she got what I wanted. That's selfish of me to say, but I'm tellin' the truth!

I'm super in my feelings about this...super super super in my feelings. I'm not even gonna continue this rant because I'm still just like WTF?! SMH I'll be glad when I get a point!

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" - Adele

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

Cracked

There comes a point when that hard shell that one builds suddenly cracks, and all the emotions, feelings, cares that were hidden beneath rush out like a tidal wave.

For so long I've acted pretty cool, calm, and collected about this single life I'm living. Meaningless sex, non-invested emotions...I've met people I cared for and liked, but never allowed myself to become overly vulnerable to them. I've pretty much been too scared to get back into a serious relationship, and am beginning to think that maybe I've already met, and passed up my "Mr. Right".

While my heart has been protected by this defense mechanism I built, I can't help but feel empty. I MISS being vulnerable to someone. I miss having someone to be excited to see. I miss bearing my heart and soul, crying on the shoulder of the one I love. I miss all the things that make love scary and unpredictable, yet so beautiful at the same time. It almost feels like I forgot HOW to truly love a person. My heart is so cold and afraid that it no longer feels natural to express myself fully.

All the things I WANT as far as love/relationships are concerned just seem so far and unattainable to me. I want a family; I want to be married with children; I want to act goofy with my husband, and do things only he and I can understand. I think about it EVERY DAY, but I can't see myself going thru the steps to end up there. I don't want to be a single, 40 year old, childless, middle-class woman...miserable and alone. Even at this very moment my eyes are watering, but I'm fighting the tears because something in me believes crying shows weakness.

It's strange, I tell everyone else it's okay to cry, and that crying is a form of release, but I can't seem to understand it myself. I use to cry over everything, and be overly emotional. Now it's like I hate for anyone to see that I have any emotion at all - let alone know I was crying how I feel.

I really don't even know what to say now...maybe I'll be adding to this, or maybe I'll make a part II...idk...for now I'm going to drink some hot tea and go to bed.

Goodnight World
*hugs and love*
-iCandy

"But see I'll never get, why the earth is a puzzle that I'll never fit" - Kid Kudi

I Be Like No, No, No...You Can Go, Go, Go!

People always want what/who they can't have. I know a guy (let's call him Mr. Money) who girls swoon over. I've known him for about 5 or 6 years now. Mr. Money has loads of money and loves to spend it, thus he attracts gold diggers of all kinds. I would see him around, and we would speak...he even asked to take me out a few times in the earlier years of knowing him, but I would always turn him down.

At first I thought he just wanted the cheeks, and ultimately I still think that's what he wants. But it gets deeper. I'm a challenge he can't let go of until he wins. Now that a few years have passed, he's back to trying to take me out, bun me up, whatever. He calls every so often saying we need to hang out, or why do I treat him so bad. Mr. Money is always trying to tell me he's changed his life, and he really likes me. I still shoot his advancements down.

So he called me today for the first time in about 2 mths. I looked at the number on my caller ID, and thought it may be a call for potential employment (I'm job hunting). When I answered I heard his typical line, "Hey baby, it's your baby!" Lmbo...#Dead! I had the "oh gosh" face when I heard his voice. Of course, he asked to take me out to lunch and I declined because the last time I agreed, he stood me up! He never called to say we needed to reschedule or anything. You would think he would jump at the chance since I finally said yes lol. Anyway, he pretty much begged me to go to lunch today, and I still ended with a "No, now get off my phone. I'm going back to sleep." He wouldn't let me off the phone until I said I'd think about it lol.

I text him a few min ago to tell him we shouldn't hang out. Of course he text me back trying to explain why we should. Mr. Money isn't use to a female not goosin' and being thirsty...ESPECIALLY because he has money!! He's probably sitting somewhere right now like, "WTHeck?!" If I were a gold digger, I'd be all over him (I could definitely use a financial boost), but I'm not lol. I'm not into drinkin' and druggin' anymore, so our lifestyles don't mix. The more I say no to him, or carry him, or rush him off the phone, the more he wants me. HE CAN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!

I think it's kind of cute. He hits me every few months, and he will probably continue to do so until I tell him I'm bunned up. I wonder why humans love a challenge? I'm sure its just a part of our nature, but geez lol...people need to learn to accept that you don't always get what you want!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

(0_o) That Awkward Moment When...

You say you love me.
I say, "I love you too."
You say, you don't believe me.
I smh.
You say you hate me.
I raise a brow.
You say you love me.
I say, "What??"
You say I'M bi-polar.
...




Really?

My life...I tell you, I sure know how to pick 'em lol...this all happened in one conversation.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

This Thing Called Life

I feel like I'm a prisoner in a bad dream.
Trying to keep my head above water.
Dear Lord, help me!

My Heart Eats Beets

I never seem to know what to expect,
yet tears are what I always get.
The question of will I love another how I loved you,
Questions existing and the confustion won't do.

Just like a serial heartbreaker, your ways were agile.
You stepped on my heart as if it wasn't fragile.
I harbor a resentment; one I thought was gone,
Matters of the heart; you can't help who you love.

Where did I go wrong, why wasn't my love enough for you?
Why did you lead me on and say "Candy, I love you too?"
Well FUCK YOU, and all we've been through!
I wish these stupid feelings never grew...

Into a love so true, I trusted your every word
But it just goes to show how I was unlearned
I allowed love to take over instead of guarding my heart
And now my heart needs a brand new start.

How could you do that to me? Or maybe I should have tried just a lil harder...idk...im lost right now.

*hugs and love*
iCandy

Pretzel Brain and Emotion Drain

Cassandra.

Chris Rock once said you've never been in love unless you've contemplated murdering a person. It was funny when he said it, but I found myself taken back to a point in my life I try not to re-visit. A time when SHE was the love of my life. Yep...sure enough I thought about killing her on more than one occasion...sad, but true!

I sit here now with tears streaming down my face...why? Because like the true idiot that I am, I googled her name. I know it was an idiot move; I know I asked to feel like crap, but...what can I say...I couldn't help it.

I've known she was engaged for a while, and even knew the wedding date. I've known way too many details for way too long. Seeing it cut clear and dry on google is an entire different story. Realizing she lied about when they met, and fell in love...a yr and a half ago or not, it still hurts! Going back hearing her tell me, "baby there's nothing going on...he's just a big fat dude who wants to take me and my pretty friends out. You should join us"...THAT HURTS! Re-opening a wound that never really healed. Accepting (God knows how many times I've tried) that I seriously got played by someone I loved deeper than imaginable to man...that hurts!

I don't date women anymore, nor do I agree that homosexuality is in God's Will, but I can't help who I loved. I wish I had never in life allowed myself to fall so hard.

I can't sit here and say I never miss her - I do. I can't even say I don't care about her anymore - I do. I don't wish we were together, but I wish things could have just ended a different way...a way in which I didn't have to look so stupid in the process. Or maybe a way in which my feelings didn't feel like they'd been thrown in the trash! I feel like an idiot. I feel dumb for crying. I feel like my heart's been broken all over again.

I made so many stupid decisions for her...a person who never once gave a crap about me. So many signs, and so many warnings...I took heed to none. I probably deserve every bit of this just for being severely blinded by love. And if it hadn't been for me telling her to just be with him b/c I was done fighting for her, I'm pretty sure I'd be even more mentally screwed right now.

I guess not everyone gets the luxury of closure.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

Encouraging Myself

My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 5 and 6

Wow! So I know I am right where God wants me. With this newfound commitment to quitting trees, improving my life, and getting closer to Him, there have been a slew of blessings streaming down from the Father! The same way my life took a turn for (what seemed to be) the negative in 24 hours, is the same way my life took a turn for the positive in less than 24 hours!!

Last night my mother called me to let me know that her and my dad talked, and they’ve agreed to co-sign for me to get an apartment in Waldorf. Seeing as getting an apartment was one of my major concerns, I feel a heavy weight off my shoulders. I knew it would be super hard for me to get an apartment in Waldorf (they be tryna kill the young girl’s dreams!) alone b/c I have no credit. I talked to my mom a few weeks ago about the possibility of getting a cosigner. I really didn’t think my parents would be in agreement, but alas! Look at the Lord!

In addition, I just called the driving school to sign up for driving classes (yes…the saga of driving continues lol). Come to find out, even though my permit expired, if I go back now and get a new one I won’t have to re-do my 9 months! That means if I get my permit, and knock out driving school I can have my license by mid-August!! Can I get a Woot Woot Woot Salute?! Can you say cise me?! *in my voice* Parrrrttttayyyyyyy :)

Turning a new leaf isn’t so bad after all! Yeah the emotions are still iffy, but the cravings are getting better, and I’m so focused on succeeding and getting back on my feet that I really don’t have time to dwell on being sober! I’m about to get into yoga, working out, maybe ballet again…idk, but what I do know is that I’m definitely looking forward to the new life ahead!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 3 and 4

And so the saga of my life continues. Quite honestly, I'm in a serious state of mental frustration, and on the verge of feeling very discouraged.

Yesterday I was offered the job I wanted, however, I had to turn it down due to the salary being too low. If I had taken the job, there would be no way I was able to live on my own in Waldorf and not struggle. With that being said, the reality is...I'm like 90% sure I'm going to have to give up Hazen and Marley. The idea alone just really saddens my spirit. I can't even imagine not having them around. *sidenote* I know this man at Border's better keep it moving...tellin me I need to take my laptop to the cafe b/c this area is for customers...A) I bought a drink, and B) I asked an employee if it was ok to sit here. Bet he left me alone and I'm still seated comfortably with my laptop waiting on the homie! This computer I'm in front of doesnt even work anyway. My goal was to get the job by the end of July (check), and work all of August so I could be in my apartment by September and get my babies (uncheck). Smh can we say fail?!

The lack of THC is making this all the more difficult to deal with, BUT I know I am committed to quitting this time. Last night my friend came to my sister's house, and we sat outside for about an hour talking and playing games. Sounds well enough, right? WRONG! Knowing I quit, and how hard I struggle with reefas...this man had THE WHITE BOY OF LIFE rolled up, sparked it, and took the entire hour to smoke it. I swear I wanted to hit that spliff so badly, but everytime I thought about askin him to let me hit it, I dismissed the thought and refrained. I never once hit it! Now to some of you that may not be big, but for those who personally know me, you all know that's monumental. Each time I quit I may not BUY any tree, but as soon as a blunt is in my presence or a bowl is lit...I end up hitting it, and there goes my quitting cuz I keep going. I'm proud of myself, and that one moment was defining for me...I can do this!!

What I will say is that my moods have been so blah! I'm very somber and melancholy. My patience thin. My temper is short. It's hard to be productive .I've slept a total of MAYBE 8 hours out of the last 48...it's bad! I think I slept 3 hours Monday, 4 hours last night, and had a 2 hr nap yesterday. I've been doing quite a bit of research on marijuana withdrawl since experiencing these symptoms, and found that it is all normal. Once I make it thru this stage I'm sure I'll feel great!

Eh...I'm tired of writing lol. Be back tomorrow :)

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

My Life is a Sober Living House - Intro

The last month of my life has been completely unpredictable.

I had all plans set, and arrangements made to move to Bloomington, MN on June 28, 2011. It is now July 18, 2011 and guess where I am...back in Waldorf, MD with my family. I live with my parents sometimes, and with my sister's family the rest of the time. I am also on a mean job hunt (had an interview today).

I spoke to a friend of mine about moving to a random state, and starting a more focused life. I planned to get established, and just enjoy being in a new environment. I looked into Bloomington, and decided it was perfect for me. My "friend" insisted that I move in with her for a bit, so I could find a nice place and a good job w/o feeling rushed. Long story short (so I can get to this sober living lol), I stopped hearing from her 4 days before my flight. I have not heard from her since. No calls, no texts, no emails, no responses, NO NOTHING! OH WAIT....there was an accidental phone call =/

Clearly this altered almost every aspect of my life! I had already quit my job, put in notice to move, and bought my plane ticket. I had no choice but to move back home (smh), and let my friend and her husband (thanks T&M) watch Hazen and Marley. Most people would take the situation as a really bad thing, but being the pessimistic optimist that I am (yes I know its an oxymoron), I've tried to find the good aspects of this situation I'm in:

1)I can be around to watch my niece in her early stages of development (she will be 2 mths tomorrow)
2)Being around my family more is great!
3)I have been able to really evaluate some friendships and realize...I don't have as many "friends" as I thought.
4)Sobriety is much easier to attain b/c no one in my immediate day-to-day life does anything!

The list could definitely go on, but I will stop here...let's talk about sobriety! As you all know...I have been a functioning pot head for a while now. Most call me a hippy b/c of my free spirit coupled with my stoner ways. Alas, I have decided, yet again, to quit! Today is Day 2 for me. I'm honestly not in the mood to write out all the reasons why I've come to this decision again, but let's just say I feel very confident this time. And to help me cope I have decided to make this blog a daily journal for the next few months. I will document life (ups, downs, withdrawls, everything!) sans the soothing anxiety relief of natural herbs! I hope you all are ready to take this journey with me!

On that note...tomorrow I will begin My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 3. Feel free to comment, encourage, share stories, give advice to help me...whatever!

*hugs and love*
iCandy

Self Exploration - All Things Considered...

Wow...my move to Minnesota takes place in 2 weeks. I leave June 28, 2011. There are so many questions in my mind that I find myself asking as the day approaches. Initially I thought my reasoning was perfect:

1) A safer environment.
2) Job Opportunities
3) Beautiful Peaceful Scenery
4) A New Beginning...

The list could go on. But as I began to name all my reasons for leaving to my parents, the words "proud" and "success" came up. I told my mother that I wanted her and my father to be proud of me. My mom's response was "IDK how else I can show you, and make you understand that we are proud of you. It sounds like you're not happy with yourself...". I thought about those words, and responded, "I'm not happy with myself...". So I began to think about why I'm not happy with myself.

Yesterday my father and I had a serious, legit, emotional conversation. As we were talking I told him I loved his questioning because all it does is fuel me to go to MN, and prove to him that I can be successful, and make it. My dad couldn't understand what I felt I had to prove. And really...what do I have to prove?! Why do I need validation, or why do I feel the need to prove myself to people? Am I really proving myself to myself?? Why must I be this perfect, well put together person? My dad also asked me what is success in my eyes? All of the things I came up with were materialistic. I did say I wanted a family...you know...a husband, kids...but I talked about my job, money, houses, cars...the things SOCIETY measures success by. My dad basically made me realize that I have to find happiness and success within or I'll forever feel under par.

I think a guilt somehow have crept into my body. I always compare myself to my sister. She's 29, just had a baby, been married for 5 years, was a virgin until she got married, a minister...she's virtually perfect, and I look up to her. I wish I could have been half of the perfect daughter that she was. Not because my parents ever made me feel like she was better, but because I somehow made myself believe she was better. All the times my parents tried to explain to me that my sister and I aren't the same person, and they love us both equally, and that they don't look at me different just because I've chosen a different route in life...it's like something just won't let me fully fathom the idea.

So I'm left with the question of how...how do I become happy with me? How do I go to Minnesota and find success...in ME. Not in where I'm located, or by financial gain, but in iCandy.

Questions Existing.

*hugs and love*

-iCandy

Chocolate Desires

There you were...
standing in line looking like an angel.
Smooth dark chocolate skin.
Long well groomed locks.
You had a glow around you.
I lost my breath for a moment, and my heart skipped 2 beats.
I wanted you.
I craved you.
I desired you.
I lusted you.
I had to have you.

Just as I was about to try my hand, a voice spoke to me.
"Don't do it, Candy...you know it's not right."
I thought for a second.
*sigh*
"I know, I know." I told myself.
"This is wrong."
I continued to admire your beauty.
I imagined kissing your lips.
Holding your hand.
Caressing you.
I had seen you before.
I knew you were giving me the eye.
We had a connection.
I decided to give in.
I walked up to you, and your eyes locked with mine.
I felt something in my flesh rise.
"Calm down, Candy. This can't go anywhere."

That night I called you anyway.
We talked for hours.
You were perfect.
Everything I'd imagined, and then some.
Working, well mannered, well spoken, kind hearted.
I could go on.
Already I was thinking about the future that COULD be.
And then I stopped...
I shook my head and tried to snap out of it.
But I couldn't!
I couldn't help but think about how much I was attracted to you.
How long it had been since I felt the butterflies so strong.


Too bad you're a woman.

Ms. Second Place - Unfinished

You came to me looking fine as wine,
walked up to my chair,
and said you wanted to dine.
Sit right down Mr.
The Beginning.

Our conversation was great;
You were on the right track.
I liked the fact that you were respectful
while still going smack.
10 Points.

But then you said those magic words...
I'm married.
And you explained how your feelings for her varied.
The kick.

Ms. Second Place
That's who you want me to be.
You thought I could fulfill your fantasy.
Done.

You got up from the table,
and the next man came.
Gave him the benefit of the doubt
Not all men are the same.
Let's start.

Mr. Long Hair
You, too, were attractive. You had all the smooth words;
Fancy clothes, fancy car,
and ya money came in herds.
Suspect.

You sweet talked me
and told me you were single
You said you were interested,
so we started to mingle.
The Lie.

4 weeks later you came clean,
told me about ya girl.......

I now have writer's block lol...I don't think I'll ever finish this piece smh

My Soul Crys

A lost soul,
A wandering spirit man;
I'm not quite sure how this journey began.
Somewhere between living right, and living wrong
My soul decided to take a stroll...
Away. From me.
And now I can't see.
My eyes are blinded, and I can't see the light;
I don't know how to regain control,
I think I forgot how to fight.
I used to pray every night,
but now I feel to God I've been slight.
And for what?
He's done so much for me.
How can I neglect Him?
How can I reject Him?
How can I disrespect Him and his Will...
For my life?
I'd rather live with suffering and strife...
or so it seems.
I really need Him to step in and intervene.
A path for my life He has foreseen.
One full of outreach.
One full of love.
One full of wisdom.
One full of devotion.
One full of forward motion.
Yet I still run.
Is this life of sin worth it?
No.
And I know this!
My fleshly desires..when will I dismiss them
and live for Him?

Skip Me With the...

BULLSHIT!

Exhibit A:

Me: Hello

Him: Candy...Can you tell my girl nothing's going on with us?

Me: Wait what?(I don't know who it is at this point, so I'm quickly trying to process the voice, and determine who I think it is)

Him: Well can you tell my girl you know I have a girl?

Me: Yes, I know you have a girl, but lemme tell you what's NOT 'bout to happen..This convo!...

I've recently been confronted with more than enough (1 is too many) situations like this. I got off the phone, and quickly began venting to Pink how I could NOT believe this man called me w/this crap! Whole time I'm thinking it's a friend I'd recently asked to tell me his actual situation...is his "folks" his girlfriend or is he really single? (An answer I wouldn't have known had I not been the one to ask.) It turned out it wasn't him, so I called every unknown # from Saturday back until I hit the jackpot:

Her: Hello

Me: Hi, this is going to be weird, but do you have a boyfriend?

Her: Yes, I do.

Me: What's his name?

Her: Wait, who are you?

Me: Candy...you two called me on Saturday, and I'm just trying to figure out who it was b/c I cursed my friend out and it wasn't even him.

Her: oh yeah, his name is Exhibit A...I just saw you texted him late one night, and was curious as to why?

*PAUSE*...You need to take that up with your man, first off! But I didn't say that...I was nice this time bc she was nice as well. And that's all ya'll need to know about the situation.

Alot of you are probably thinking, "Why would she call back?"..my response...WHY THE HELL NOT?! Here we have a man who clearly was half steppin'! Me and this guy rarely speak, and when we do it's because he hits me up. He informed me he had a girlfriend, and I was happy for him, and even suggested we not hang out/talk cuz I know how females are, but he had me believing she was cool w/us speaking...hell...I even thought the girl wanted to meet me or something bc he invited me over their apt for his birthday party prior to this phone call! I HAD to know who it was that called me, so I could cut him off! How you gonna paint a portrait of the wrong face for me?! If you KNOW you're THAT scared to lose your girl...to the point you callin other chicks cuz she told you to...you need to stop whatever foolishness you're attempting! Clearly you're not built for it! And honestly, had it not been for ME saying I respected his relationship in the first place...things wouldn't have even been plutonic smh.


Exhibit B:

I met a guy one day off some business thru a mutual connection...he had no idea what I looked like, and when I described my outfit before our meeting, I left out all physical aspects of myself. I simply told him what I had on. After meeting me he sent me a text wanting to hang out. At the time I was dealing with Young Gent, so I wasn't interested, but I saw no harm in chiefin'(my biggest flaw...not everyone's agenda is the same). We blazed a few times, and one day he asked could he come over and kick it (he had never been inside my apt)...him and his cousin. Boom...they come thru, and ask can they invite 2 girls...Bam...we all chillin playing Black Ops, and I keep hearing this ringtone, but I'm too far along the Milky Way to really pay attention. In the midst of this I see I have like 6 missed calls from a restricted #...I finally answer:

Me: Hello

Her: Hi is Exhibit B there?

Me: Yes, may I ask who's calling? (cuz A #1 why is a rando heaux (thanks @livnlavidavonna) calling me asking for you?)

Her: This is his wife (guess she wasn't a rando afterall, huh?)

*record screeches to a halt* (o_O)

HIS WIFE?! Now...this man told me he had been divorced for a yr and a half, and that his wife had done him dirty...blah blah blah blah BLAH! Married?! How does one lie about being married. Thanks be to God I'd never done anything with him beyond a friendly hug, but aside from that...A SINGLE WOMAN HAS NO BUSINESS HANGING OUT ON THE REG WITH A MARRIED MAN!! I felt bad. I can't lie. I wasn't wrong in the situation, and I ended up speaking to her also b/c she was going to leave him, and I could NOT let her leave him on account of me when him and I hadn't done anything.

That's neither here nor there...the point is: People have no respect! Period. As for people like Exhibit A...if you know your girl has a problem with you having female friends, don't have them if you wanna be with her. That's it, and that's all! One thing iCandy doesn't do is drama! Not just saying it to sound good...I'm serious. I will nip that malarchy in the bud...I'm the WRONG person to hope and pray I don't tell on you if you didn't keep it real with me up front! If you're bold enough to call my phone cuz you can't handle your situation at home since you couldn't keep your game tight...be bold enough for WHATEVER THE HELL IM GONNA SAY OUT MY MOUTH! My loyalty is not to YOUR relationship...yours is! I have no obligation to trying to help you keep your partner. I'm not saying I'm going to put you out there, but if the situation makes me look bad enough...yeah...I'm going to put you out there.

In the case of Exhibit B...smh the only thing to be said is trifilin.

I guess I'll do a Part 2 to this post b/c my next questions are about being Ms. Second Place, and why people don't understand why being the jump-off is an issue.


Give me your feedback...ever been blind-sided by some bullshit? Why do people do shady business and expect you to have their back, and sacrifice yourself when they're in the wrong?? I need to know!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

Let Me Lay My Hands on You

Pink and I always discuss men being into crazy, abusive women. Men complain about their psychotic baby's mommas (u knew she was crazy before u knocked her up), and girlfriends that flip out and cut up, yet somehow they stay. These are the females that are cuffed. These are the females men (apparently) WANT! (o_O)...I don't understand it; however, I'm about to start laying hands!

A lil background info:

Up until now the idea of laying hands via a slap, punch, car keying, brick through 3 out of 4 windows so insurance wont cover it...all of that has been off limits. IM NOT CRAZY! I have had so many inappropriate things happen to me from past partners that all of this behavior would have been done and then some, had I been like most females. I try to rationalize things, and I don't feel like fighting or acting belligerent is really necessary. If you make me upset to the point that I haul off and He-Man Bitch Slap you, then we don't need to be dealing with one another. This seems like the best logic to me, but...IM VERY SINGLE! You know the saying...*in my hum-ho monotone voice* Good guys (and girls), finish last. Noone wants a woman that's not gonna get fiesty! Don't get it twisted...my mouth is enough to make a person wanna play in traffic, but I just don't go that extra mile. The buck stops there. No extras, no random spazztastic moments...the closest I came to any sort of "violent behavior" was a push and a tantrum!

Most of the females I know have stories about slappin' the piss out of their partners, or something else unheard of in my life, BUT they're partners stay! People (both men and women) seem to thrive off of a little bit of craziness. My issue is...what is a non-violent person like me supposed to do?! The Answer: Figure out a way to tell my conscience to shut up the next time I feel a burning sensation in my palm when a nigga pops slick out the mouth!

With that being said, it's sad that domestic violence exites the masses until it leaves a mark on the body. My conclusion is that slappin' (and the like) is necessary; just make sure noone can tell you're doing it!

*hugs and love*
Sincerly,
#PearlEmUpShawty from the SlapAHoe Tribe bka iCandy

P.S. - shoutout to my #Twomie @blueberrysleepy...he gave me the extra name :)

Back....Again

*looks around, takes in a deep breath, then smiles* Ahh how refreshing to be here once again. WHEN will I ever stop taking these ridiculous blog breaks, and get serious about blogging again? I'm not even sure how I manage to neglect blogging b/c it's something I truly do enjoy!

Well I've been sitting here for weeks now thinking about blogging, but am just now deciding to jump back in and write. Dilemma #1: What to blog about? After much consideration I've decided that this blog may be random lol (shoot me *shrugs). I want to catch you up with Who's Who and What's New with iCandy, BUT I also want to speak on my current disgust with where we ask blacks are headed, and how low our standards are! *scrunches face in disgust*

So I've started my locs!! I shed the weaves, wigs, tracks...WHATEVER, and am bearing my hair au naturale. Might I be the first to say...I LOVE IT! This sort of brings me to how black women are viewed in society and what's accepted as "sexy". In today's age everything is about being fake, or so it seems. Fake behinds, fake tits, fake hair, fake lashes, FAKE, FAKE FAKE FAKE, FAKKKKKKE! I'm over it!! It's like if a black woman hasn't done something to make herself look like America's Next Top Video Vixen, then she's not hot. WHEN THE HECK DID THAT BECOME THE STANDARD?! And furthermore, young girls no longer want to become the next....Ophrah, they want to become the next...Top Stripper =/ Huh? (o_O) I'm completely and utterly appauled by the things we have decided are the definition of successful! People are praising women for exploiting their bodies to become a low budget C-List celeb living beyond their means?! People personalities change because suddenly they got butt shots, and now they're the hotness? What happened to respecting our bodies, and being humble? I'll be the first to say I've been a victim of living the fast life, and exploiting myself in ways that I shouldn't have, BUT I truly see a problem with living that way! I'm glad I'm getting my life in order, and no longer feel I need to be living like a freakin' millionaire before it's my time! I'm not in a rush to have too many things. I'm completely alright with climbing the latter of wealth and life the way it was intended to be....all while gaining respect and dignity along the way. I aspire to be married with children one day, and I want to be a role model to show that life can be grand without taking the sideways route to get there.

I digress, one major thing I need to inform you all of is that I moved to VA, NOT to MD as I initially blogged. This move happened randomly, and has been a great experience. If any of my old blog followers ever end up reading this, you will know I was cool with the blogger named Pink. Well...Pink is my roommate now!! This is our 2nd time living together, and it's going great! We have 2 dogs...Haze'n (Haze n' Honey Dutches -I had her already), and Marley (Madame Marley Purple Hazington). I love it in VA, and I'm still saving money on rent.

I guess that's it for this blog. I'll update you more over time =]

*hugs and love*
iCandy