Wow...my move to Minnesota takes place in 2 weeks. I leave June 28, 2011. There are so many questions in my mind that I find myself asking as the day approaches. Initially I thought my reasoning was perfect:
1) A safer environment.
2) Job Opportunities
3) Beautiful Peaceful Scenery
4) A New Beginning...
The list could go on. But as I began to name all my reasons for leaving to my parents, the words "proud" and "success" came up. I told my mother that I wanted her and my father to be proud of me. My mom's response was "IDK how else I can show you, and make you understand that we are proud of you. It sounds like you're not happy with yourself...". I thought about those words, and responded, "I'm not happy with myself...". So I began to think about why I'm not happy with myself.
Yesterday my father and I had a serious, legit, emotional conversation. As we were talking I told him I loved his questioning because all it does is fuel me to go to MN, and prove to him that I can be successful, and make it. My dad couldn't understand what I felt I had to prove. And really...what do I have to prove?! Why do I need validation, or why do I feel the need to prove myself to people? Am I really proving myself to myself?? Why must I be this perfect, well put together person? My dad also asked me what is success in my eyes? All of the things I came up with were materialistic. I did say I wanted a family...you know...a husband, kids...but I talked about my job, money, houses, cars...the things SOCIETY measures success by. My dad basically made me realize that I have to find happiness and success within or I'll forever feel under par.
I think a guilt somehow have crept into my body. I always compare myself to my sister. She's 29, just had a baby, been married for 5 years, was a virgin until she got married, a minister...she's virtually perfect, and I look up to her. I wish I could have been half of the perfect daughter that she was. Not because my parents ever made me feel like she was better, but because I somehow made myself believe she was better. All the times my parents tried to explain to me that my sister and I aren't the same person, and they love us both equally, and that they don't look at me different just because I've chosen a different route in life...it's like something just won't let me fully fathom the idea.
So I'm left with the question of how...how do I become happy with me? How do I go to Minnesota and find success...in ME. Not in where I'm located, or by financial gain, but in iCandy.
Questions Existing.
*hugs and love*
-iCandy
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2 comments:
Think back on a time when you felt things were good and you were happy. Do you remember the feeling? When you were in the state of happiness who were you hanging around? What were you doing that made you happy?
sometimes you have to step outside of yourself to examine yourself thoroughly if that makes sense.
Candy I love you and our time spent together has been great and I'm really really really going to miss you, but I know this is a journey you have to take in life right now to figure out were YOU truly want to be. I have confidence that you will do fine when you get to Minnesota. God has a plan for you Candy and as long as you keep him with you, you will be alright.
Love ya
Tommi
Awwww thank you so much!!! You are definitely right, and I've been praying for God to help me find peace and happiness, and to understand myself. I know I'll be ok too, and Im leaving it in His hands.
I love you too...and I'm going to miss you dearly, BUT...we gon get frequent flyer miles lol <3
-Candy
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