Cracked

There comes a point when that hard shell that one builds suddenly cracks, and all the emotions, feelings, cares that were hidden beneath rush out like a tidal wave.

For so long I've acted pretty cool, calm, and collected about this single life I'm living. Meaningless sex, non-invested emotions...I've met people I cared for and liked, but never allowed myself to become overly vulnerable to them. I've pretty much been too scared to get back into a serious relationship, and am beginning to think that maybe I've already met, and passed up my "Mr. Right".

While my heart has been protected by this defense mechanism I built, I can't help but feel empty. I MISS being vulnerable to someone. I miss having someone to be excited to see. I miss bearing my heart and soul, crying on the shoulder of the one I love. I miss all the things that make love scary and unpredictable, yet so beautiful at the same time. It almost feels like I forgot HOW to truly love a person. My heart is so cold and afraid that it no longer feels natural to express myself fully.

All the things I WANT as far as love/relationships are concerned just seem so far and unattainable to me. I want a family; I want to be married with children; I want to act goofy with my husband, and do things only he and I can understand. I think about it EVERY DAY, but I can't see myself going thru the steps to end up there. I don't want to be a single, 40 year old, childless, middle-class woman...miserable and alone. Even at this very moment my eyes are watering, but I'm fighting the tears because something in me believes crying shows weakness.

It's strange, I tell everyone else it's okay to cry, and that crying is a form of release, but I can't seem to understand it myself. I use to cry over everything, and be overly emotional. Now it's like I hate for anyone to see that I have any emotion at all - let alone know I was crying how I feel.

I really don't even know what to say now...maybe I'll be adding to this, or maybe I'll make a part II...idk...for now I'm going to drink some hot tea and go to bed.

Goodnight World
*hugs and love*
-iCandy

"But see I'll never get, why the earth is a puzzle that I'll never fit" - Kid Kudi