My Heart Eats Beets

I never seem to know what to expect,
yet tears are what I always get.
The question of will I love another how I loved you,
Questions existing and the confustion won't do.

Just like a serial heartbreaker, your ways were agile.
You stepped on my heart as if it wasn't fragile.
I harbor a resentment; one I thought was gone,
Matters of the heart; you can't help who you love.

Where did I go wrong, why wasn't my love enough for you?
Why did you lead me on and say "Candy, I love you too?"
Well FUCK YOU, and all we've been through!
I wish these stupid feelings never grew...

Into a love so true, I trusted your every word
But it just goes to show how I was unlearned
I allowed love to take over instead of guarding my heart
And now my heart needs a brand new start.

How could you do that to me? Or maybe I should have tried just a lil harder...idk...im lost right now.

*hugs and love*
iCandy

Pretzel Brain and Emotion Drain

Cassandra.

Chris Rock once said you've never been in love unless you've contemplated murdering a person. It was funny when he said it, but I found myself taken back to a point in my life I try not to re-visit. A time when SHE was the love of my life. Yep...sure enough I thought about killing her on more than one occasion...sad, but true!

I sit here now with tears streaming down my face...why? Because like the true idiot that I am, I googled her name. I know it was an idiot move; I know I asked to feel like crap, but...what can I say...I couldn't help it.

I've known she was engaged for a while, and even knew the wedding date. I've known way too many details for way too long. Seeing it cut clear and dry on google is an entire different story. Realizing she lied about when they met, and fell in love...a yr and a half ago or not, it still hurts! Going back hearing her tell me, "baby there's nothing going on...he's just a big fat dude who wants to take me and my pretty friends out. You should join us"...THAT HURTS! Re-opening a wound that never really healed. Accepting (God knows how many times I've tried) that I seriously got played by someone I loved deeper than imaginable to man...that hurts!

I don't date women anymore, nor do I agree that homosexuality is in God's Will, but I can't help who I loved. I wish I had never in life allowed myself to fall so hard.

I can't sit here and say I never miss her - I do. I can't even say I don't care about her anymore - I do. I don't wish we were together, but I wish things could have just ended a different way...a way in which I didn't have to look so stupid in the process. Or maybe a way in which my feelings didn't feel like they'd been thrown in the trash! I feel like an idiot. I feel dumb for crying. I feel like my heart's been broken all over again.

I made so many stupid decisions for her...a person who never once gave a crap about me. So many signs, and so many warnings...I took heed to none. I probably deserve every bit of this just for being severely blinded by love. And if it hadn't been for me telling her to just be with him b/c I was done fighting for her, I'm pretty sure I'd be even more mentally screwed right now.

I guess not everyone gets the luxury of closure.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

Encouraging Myself

My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 5 and 6

Wow! So I know I am right where God wants me. With this newfound commitment to quitting trees, improving my life, and getting closer to Him, there have been a slew of blessings streaming down from the Father! The same way my life took a turn for (what seemed to be) the negative in 24 hours, is the same way my life took a turn for the positive in less than 24 hours!!

Last night my mother called me to let me know that her and my dad talked, and they’ve agreed to co-sign for me to get an apartment in Waldorf. Seeing as getting an apartment was one of my major concerns, I feel a heavy weight off my shoulders. I knew it would be super hard for me to get an apartment in Waldorf (they be tryna kill the young girl’s dreams!) alone b/c I have no credit. I talked to my mom a few weeks ago about the possibility of getting a cosigner. I really didn’t think my parents would be in agreement, but alas! Look at the Lord!

In addition, I just called the driving school to sign up for driving classes (yes…the saga of driving continues lol). Come to find out, even though my permit expired, if I go back now and get a new one I won’t have to re-do my 9 months! That means if I get my permit, and knock out driving school I can have my license by mid-August!! Can I get a Woot Woot Woot Salute?! Can you say cise me?! *in my voice* Parrrrttttayyyyyyy :)

Turning a new leaf isn’t so bad after all! Yeah the emotions are still iffy, but the cravings are getting better, and I’m so focused on succeeding and getting back on my feet that I really don’t have time to dwell on being sober! I’m about to get into yoga, working out, maybe ballet again…idk, but what I do know is that I’m definitely looking forward to the new life ahead!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 3 and 4

And so the saga of my life continues. Quite honestly, I'm in a serious state of mental frustration, and on the verge of feeling very discouraged.

Yesterday I was offered the job I wanted, however, I had to turn it down due to the salary being too low. If I had taken the job, there would be no way I was able to live on my own in Waldorf and not struggle. With that being said, the reality is...I'm like 90% sure I'm going to have to give up Hazen and Marley. The idea alone just really saddens my spirit. I can't even imagine not having them around. *sidenote* I know this man at Border's better keep it moving...tellin me I need to take my laptop to the cafe b/c this area is for customers...A) I bought a drink, and B) I asked an employee if it was ok to sit here. Bet he left me alone and I'm still seated comfortably with my laptop waiting on the homie! This computer I'm in front of doesnt even work anyway. My goal was to get the job by the end of July (check), and work all of August so I could be in my apartment by September and get my babies (uncheck). Smh can we say fail?!

The lack of THC is making this all the more difficult to deal with, BUT I know I am committed to quitting this time. Last night my friend came to my sister's house, and we sat outside for about an hour talking and playing games. Sounds well enough, right? WRONG! Knowing I quit, and how hard I struggle with reefas...this man had THE WHITE BOY OF LIFE rolled up, sparked it, and took the entire hour to smoke it. I swear I wanted to hit that spliff so badly, but everytime I thought about askin him to let me hit it, I dismissed the thought and refrained. I never once hit it! Now to some of you that may not be big, but for those who personally know me, you all know that's monumental. Each time I quit I may not BUY any tree, but as soon as a blunt is in my presence or a bowl is lit...I end up hitting it, and there goes my quitting cuz I keep going. I'm proud of myself, and that one moment was defining for me...I can do this!!

What I will say is that my moods have been so blah! I'm very somber and melancholy. My patience thin. My temper is short. It's hard to be productive .I've slept a total of MAYBE 8 hours out of the last 48...it's bad! I think I slept 3 hours Monday, 4 hours last night, and had a 2 hr nap yesterday. I've been doing quite a bit of research on marijuana withdrawl since experiencing these symptoms, and found that it is all normal. Once I make it thru this stage I'm sure I'll feel great!

Eh...I'm tired of writing lol. Be back tomorrow :)

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

My Life is a Sober Living House - Intro

The last month of my life has been completely unpredictable.

I had all plans set, and arrangements made to move to Bloomington, MN on June 28, 2011. It is now July 18, 2011 and guess where I am...back in Waldorf, MD with my family. I live with my parents sometimes, and with my sister's family the rest of the time. I am also on a mean job hunt (had an interview today).

I spoke to a friend of mine about moving to a random state, and starting a more focused life. I planned to get established, and just enjoy being in a new environment. I looked into Bloomington, and decided it was perfect for me. My "friend" insisted that I move in with her for a bit, so I could find a nice place and a good job w/o feeling rushed. Long story short (so I can get to this sober living lol), I stopped hearing from her 4 days before my flight. I have not heard from her since. No calls, no texts, no emails, no responses, NO NOTHING! OH WAIT....there was an accidental phone call =/

Clearly this altered almost every aspect of my life! I had already quit my job, put in notice to move, and bought my plane ticket. I had no choice but to move back home (smh), and let my friend and her husband (thanks T&M) watch Hazen and Marley. Most people would take the situation as a really bad thing, but being the pessimistic optimist that I am (yes I know its an oxymoron), I've tried to find the good aspects of this situation I'm in:

1)I can be around to watch my niece in her early stages of development (she will be 2 mths tomorrow)
2)Being around my family more is great!
3)I have been able to really evaluate some friendships and realize...I don't have as many "friends" as I thought.
4)Sobriety is much easier to attain b/c no one in my immediate day-to-day life does anything!

The list could definitely go on, but I will stop here...let's talk about sobriety! As you all know...I have been a functioning pot head for a while now. Most call me a hippy b/c of my free spirit coupled with my stoner ways. Alas, I have decided, yet again, to quit! Today is Day 2 for me. I'm honestly not in the mood to write out all the reasons why I've come to this decision again, but let's just say I feel very confident this time. And to help me cope I have decided to make this blog a daily journal for the next few months. I will document life (ups, downs, withdrawls, everything!) sans the soothing anxiety relief of natural herbs! I hope you all are ready to take this journey with me!

On that note...tomorrow I will begin My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 3. Feel free to comment, encourage, share stories, give advice to help me...whatever!

*hugs and love*
iCandy