So...I've come to the conclusion that something is happening to me, and I think that something is...I'M GROWING UP...ALOT!
I recently met someone who loves to party, and loves to be on the scene. I don't knock that, but it's not me. I've never been the type to want a bunch of unnecessary attention. Knowing too many motherfuckers adds drama to life. I don't want to be out and folk notice me from being in the club all the time, or at someone's lounge every week, or cuz I have a thousand drunk and hot girl pics on FB (I do have a few, lol). My life is usually what most would consider "boring". I go to work, come home, eat planets, watch movies, and just relax. I hit the bar alone quite often, and most of the company I have at my apt are my blazin' buddies. I'm the more laid back type, and up until recently I feel like I've allowed people to make me feel guilty about being this way. It's so hard for me to say "no", and stick to that "no". I say I don't want to go out, and somehow I get conned into feeling bad for saying No, and the next thing I know...I'm getting dolled up and heading out on some club/party excursion that I didnt even wanna go on!
Well I started thinking...why do I allow people to do this to me?! Why can't people just accept me as I am? I'm getting older, and with all the bullshit Ive gone thru, and am presently going thru, I'm realizing that forreal forreal...half these jablipees in my life don't even matter. I waste my time trying to please everyone instead of trying to please the person in my life who should come first...ME! From the people who wanna party to the people I wanna pursue...I'm pretty much done neglecting myself, and conforming to make other people happy. I'm sick of settling for situations that I don't like, and I'm sick of people using me for what they want!
This entire situation just has me feeling completely antisocial, and honestly a little taken advantage of by alot of people...people who probably have no idea how much things about them are beginning to bother me. I've put myself 2nd for so long that I barely even understand how to put myself first! Up until now I feel like alot of 2010 has been an #epicFail ...dating; relationships w/friends, acquaintences, and the like; the ex factor...
Speaking of dating...It's funny how what one person is to you, you are to someone else. (s/n: ummm 41411 better stop, got damn, sending me all these texts! )What I mean by this is...ok...there are people (i.e.-Young Gent) who CLEARLY wanna date me and give me the attention that I want/deserve, BUT I carry it a lil with those types probably b/c there's no chase...then I turn around and show that same type of interest to someone who CLEARLY isn't on the same page as me, and probably doesn't take me serious b/c...there's no chase! SO...to the person I show my interest to...I am to that person what Young Gent is to me! Makes me reevaluate shit! Why am I focusing on people who dont put out the same that I do instead of focusing on the person who OBVIOUSLY likes me?! There is nothing about Young Gent that I shouldnt like! Why do I need the chase?! Fuckin chasing folks will have me still single at 40! I'm getting old, and I need to stop w/da shittery and tom foolery, and stop focusing on these people that aint focusing on me! #POW
I guess I've gotten enough off my chest for one day...I could go on and on and on right now lol, BUT this shit is long enough!! Until next time...
*hugs and love*
-iCandy
