Cassandra.

Chris Rock once said you've never been in love unless you've contemplated murdering a person. It was funny when he said it, but I found myself taken back to a point in my life I try not to re-visit. A time when SHE was the love of my life. Yep...sure enough I thought about killing her on more than one occasion...sad, but true!

I sit here now with tears streaming down my face...why? Because like the true idiot that I am, I googled her name. I know it was an idiot move; I know I asked to feel like crap, but...what can I say...I couldn't help it.

I've known she was engaged for a while, and even knew the wedding date. I've known way too many details for way too long. Seeing it cut clear and dry on google is an entire different story. Realizing she lied about when they met, and fell in love...a yr and a half ago or not, it still hurts! Going back hearing her tell me, "baby there's nothing going on...he's just a big fat dude who wants to take me and my pretty friends out. You should join us"...THAT HURTS! Re-opening a wound that never really healed. Accepting (God knows how many times I've tried) that I seriously got played by someone I loved deeper than imaginable to man...that hurts!

I don't date women anymore, nor do I agree that homosexuality is in God's Will, but I can't help who I loved. I wish I had never in life allowed myself to fall so hard.

I can't sit here and say I never miss her - I do. I can't even say I don't care about her anymore - I do. I don't wish we were together, but I wish things could have just ended a different way...a way in which I didn't have to look so stupid in the process. Or maybe a way in which my feelings didn't feel like they'd been thrown in the trash! I feel like an idiot. I feel dumb for crying. I feel like my heart's been broken all over again.

I made so many stupid decisions for her...a person who never once gave a crap about me. So many signs, and so many warnings...I took heed to none. I probably deserve every bit of this just for being severely blinded by love. And if it hadn't been for me telling her to just be with him b/c I was done fighting for her, I'm pretty sure I'd be even more mentally screwed right now.

I guess not everyone gets the luxury of closure.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy