I Be Like No, No, No...You Can Go, Go, Go!

People always want what/who they can't have. I know a guy (let's call him Mr. Money) who girls swoon over. I've known him for about 5 or 6 years now. Mr. Money has loads of money and loves to spend it, thus he attracts gold diggers of all kinds. I would see him around, and we would speak...he even asked to take me out a few times in the earlier years of knowing him, but I would always turn him down.

At first I thought he just wanted the cheeks, and ultimately I still think that's what he wants. But it gets deeper. I'm a challenge he can't let go of until he wins. Now that a few years have passed, he's back to trying to take me out, bun me up, whatever. He calls every so often saying we need to hang out, or why do I treat him so bad. Mr. Money is always trying to tell me he's changed his life, and he really likes me. I still shoot his advancements down.

So he called me today for the first time in about 2 mths. I looked at the number on my caller ID, and thought it may be a call for potential employment (I'm job hunting). When I answered I heard his typical line, "Hey baby, it's your baby!" Lmbo...#Dead! I had the "oh gosh" face when I heard his voice. Of course, he asked to take me out to lunch and I declined because the last time I agreed, he stood me up! He never called to say we needed to reschedule or anything. You would think he would jump at the chance since I finally said yes lol. Anyway, he pretty much begged me to go to lunch today, and I still ended with a "No, now get off my phone. I'm going back to sleep." He wouldn't let me off the phone until I said I'd think about it lol.

I text him a few min ago to tell him we shouldn't hang out. Of course he text me back trying to explain why we should. Mr. Money isn't use to a female not goosin' and being thirsty...ESPECIALLY because he has money!! He's probably sitting somewhere right now like, "WTHeck?!" If I were a gold digger, I'd be all over him (I could definitely use a financial boost), but I'm not lol. I'm not into drinkin' and druggin' anymore, so our lifestyles don't mix. The more I say no to him, or carry him, or rush him off the phone, the more he wants me. HE CAN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!

I think it's kind of cute. He hits me every few months, and he will probably continue to do so until I tell him I'm bunned up. I wonder why humans love a challenge? I'm sure its just a part of our nature, but geez lol...people need to learn to accept that you don't always get what you want!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

(0_o) That Awkward Moment When...

You say you love me.
I say, "I love you too."
You say, you don't believe me.
I smh.
You say you hate me.
I raise a brow.
You say you love me.
I say, "What??"
You say I'M bi-polar.
...




Really?

My life...I tell you, I sure know how to pick 'em lol...this all happened in one conversation.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

This Thing Called Life

I feel like I'm a prisoner in a bad dream.
Trying to keep my head above water.
Dear Lord, help me!

My Heart Eats Beets

I never seem to know what to expect,
yet tears are what I always get.
The question of will I love another how I loved you,
Questions existing and the confustion won't do.

Just like a serial heartbreaker, your ways were agile.
You stepped on my heart as if it wasn't fragile.
I harbor a resentment; one I thought was gone,
Matters of the heart; you can't help who you love.

Where did I go wrong, why wasn't my love enough for you?
Why did you lead me on and say "Candy, I love you too?"
Well FUCK YOU, and all we've been through!
I wish these stupid feelings never grew...

Into a love so true, I trusted your every word
But it just goes to show how I was unlearned
I allowed love to take over instead of guarding my heart
And now my heart needs a brand new start.

How could you do that to me? Or maybe I should have tried just a lil harder...idk...im lost right now.

*hugs and love*
iCandy

Pretzel Brain and Emotion Drain

Cassandra.

Chris Rock once said you've never been in love unless you've contemplated murdering a person. It was funny when he said it, but I found myself taken back to a point in my life I try not to re-visit. A time when SHE was the love of my life. Yep...sure enough I thought about killing her on more than one occasion...sad, but true!

I sit here now with tears streaming down my face...why? Because like the true idiot that I am, I googled her name. I know it was an idiot move; I know I asked to feel like crap, but...what can I say...I couldn't help it.

I've known she was engaged for a while, and even knew the wedding date. I've known way too many details for way too long. Seeing it cut clear and dry on google is an entire different story. Realizing she lied about when they met, and fell in love...a yr and a half ago or not, it still hurts! Going back hearing her tell me, "baby there's nothing going on...he's just a big fat dude who wants to take me and my pretty friends out. You should join us"...THAT HURTS! Re-opening a wound that never really healed. Accepting (God knows how many times I've tried) that I seriously got played by someone I loved deeper than imaginable to man...that hurts!

I don't date women anymore, nor do I agree that homosexuality is in God's Will, but I can't help who I loved. I wish I had never in life allowed myself to fall so hard.

I can't sit here and say I never miss her - I do. I can't even say I don't care about her anymore - I do. I don't wish we were together, but I wish things could have just ended a different way...a way in which I didn't have to look so stupid in the process. Or maybe a way in which my feelings didn't feel like they'd been thrown in the trash! I feel like an idiot. I feel dumb for crying. I feel like my heart's been broken all over again.

I made so many stupid decisions for her...a person who never once gave a crap about me. So many signs, and so many warnings...I took heed to none. I probably deserve every bit of this just for being severely blinded by love. And if it hadn't been for me telling her to just be with him b/c I was done fighting for her, I'm pretty sure I'd be even more mentally screwed right now.

I guess not everyone gets the luxury of closure.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

Encouraging Myself