Encouraging Myself

My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 5 and 6

Wow! So I know I am right where God wants me. With this newfound commitment to quitting trees, improving my life, and getting closer to Him, there have been a slew of blessings streaming down from the Father! The same way my life took a turn for (what seemed to be) the negative in 24 hours, is the same way my life took a turn for the positive in less than 24 hours!!

Last night my mother called me to let me know that her and my dad talked, and they’ve agreed to co-sign for me to get an apartment in Waldorf. Seeing as getting an apartment was one of my major concerns, I feel a heavy weight off my shoulders. I knew it would be super hard for me to get an apartment in Waldorf (they be tryna kill the young girl’s dreams!) alone b/c I have no credit. I talked to my mom a few weeks ago about the possibility of getting a cosigner. I really didn’t think my parents would be in agreement, but alas! Look at the Lord!

In addition, I just called the driving school to sign up for driving classes (yes…the saga of driving continues lol). Come to find out, even though my permit expired, if I go back now and get a new one I won’t have to re-do my 9 months! That means if I get my permit, and knock out driving school I can have my license by mid-August!! Can I get a Woot Woot Woot Salute?! Can you say cise me?! *in my voice* Parrrrttttayyyyyyy :)

Turning a new leaf isn’t so bad after all! Yeah the emotions are still iffy, but the cravings are getting better, and I’m so focused on succeeding and getting back on my feet that I really don’t have time to dwell on being sober! I’m about to get into yoga, working out, maybe ballet again…idk, but what I do know is that I’m definitely looking forward to the new life ahead!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 3 and 4

And so the saga of my life continues. Quite honestly, I'm in a serious state of mental frustration, and on the verge of feeling very discouraged.

Yesterday I was offered the job I wanted, however, I had to turn it down due to the salary being too low. If I had taken the job, there would be no way I was able to live on my own in Waldorf and not struggle. With that being said, the reality is...I'm like 90% sure I'm going to have to give up Hazen and Marley. The idea alone just really saddens my spirit. I can't even imagine not having them around. *sidenote* I know this man at Border's better keep it moving...tellin me I need to take my laptop to the cafe b/c this area is for customers...A) I bought a drink, and B) I asked an employee if it was ok to sit here. Bet he left me alone and I'm still seated comfortably with my laptop waiting on the homie! This computer I'm in front of doesnt even work anyway. My goal was to get the job by the end of July (check), and work all of August so I could be in my apartment by September and get my babies (uncheck). Smh can we say fail?!

The lack of THC is making this all the more difficult to deal with, BUT I know I am committed to quitting this time. Last night my friend came to my sister's house, and we sat outside for about an hour talking and playing games. Sounds well enough, right? WRONG! Knowing I quit, and how hard I struggle with reefas...this man had THE WHITE BOY OF LIFE rolled up, sparked it, and took the entire hour to smoke it. I swear I wanted to hit that spliff so badly, but everytime I thought about askin him to let me hit it, I dismissed the thought and refrained. I never once hit it! Now to some of you that may not be big, but for those who personally know me, you all know that's monumental. Each time I quit I may not BUY any tree, but as soon as a blunt is in my presence or a bowl is lit...I end up hitting it, and there goes my quitting cuz I keep going. I'm proud of myself, and that one moment was defining for me...I can do this!!

What I will say is that my moods have been so blah! I'm very somber and melancholy. My patience thin. My temper is short. It's hard to be productive .I've slept a total of MAYBE 8 hours out of the last 48...it's bad! I think I slept 3 hours Monday, 4 hours last night, and had a 2 hr nap yesterday. I've been doing quite a bit of research on marijuana withdrawl since experiencing these symptoms, and found that it is all normal. Once I make it thru this stage I'm sure I'll feel great!

Eh...I'm tired of writing lol. Be back tomorrow :)

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

My Life is a Sober Living House - Intro

The last month of my life has been completely unpredictable.

I had all plans set, and arrangements made to move to Bloomington, MN on June 28, 2011. It is now July 18, 2011 and guess where I am...back in Waldorf, MD with my family. I live with my parents sometimes, and with my sister's family the rest of the time. I am also on a mean job hunt (had an interview today).

I spoke to a friend of mine about moving to a random state, and starting a more focused life. I planned to get established, and just enjoy being in a new environment. I looked into Bloomington, and decided it was perfect for me. My "friend" insisted that I move in with her for a bit, so I could find a nice place and a good job w/o feeling rushed. Long story short (so I can get to this sober living lol), I stopped hearing from her 4 days before my flight. I have not heard from her since. No calls, no texts, no emails, no responses, NO NOTHING! OH WAIT....there was an accidental phone call =/

Clearly this altered almost every aspect of my life! I had already quit my job, put in notice to move, and bought my plane ticket. I had no choice but to move back home (smh), and let my friend and her husband (thanks T&M) watch Hazen and Marley. Most people would take the situation as a really bad thing, but being the pessimistic optimist that I am (yes I know its an oxymoron), I've tried to find the good aspects of this situation I'm in:

1)I can be around to watch my niece in her early stages of development (she will be 2 mths tomorrow)
2)Being around my family more is great!
3)I have been able to really evaluate some friendships and realize...I don't have as many "friends" as I thought.
4)Sobriety is much easier to attain b/c no one in my immediate day-to-day life does anything!

The list could definitely go on, but I will stop here...let's talk about sobriety! As you all know...I have been a functioning pot head for a while now. Most call me a hippy b/c of my free spirit coupled with my stoner ways. Alas, I have decided, yet again, to quit! Today is Day 2 for me. I'm honestly not in the mood to write out all the reasons why I've come to this decision again, but let's just say I feel very confident this time. And to help me cope I have decided to make this blog a daily journal for the next few months. I will document life (ups, downs, withdrawls, everything!) sans the soothing anxiety relief of natural herbs! I hope you all are ready to take this journey with me!

On that note...tomorrow I will begin My Life is a Sober Living House - Day 3. Feel free to comment, encourage, share stories, give advice to help me...whatever!

*hugs and love*
iCandy

Self Exploration - All Things Considered...

Wow...my move to Minnesota takes place in 2 weeks. I leave June 28, 2011. There are so many questions in my mind that I find myself asking as the day approaches. Initially I thought my reasoning was perfect:

1) A safer environment.
2) Job Opportunities
3) Beautiful Peaceful Scenery
4) A New Beginning...

The list could go on. But as I began to name all my reasons for leaving to my parents, the words "proud" and "success" came up. I told my mother that I wanted her and my father to be proud of me. My mom's response was "IDK how else I can show you, and make you understand that we are proud of you. It sounds like you're not happy with yourself...". I thought about those words, and responded, "I'm not happy with myself...". So I began to think about why I'm not happy with myself.

Yesterday my father and I had a serious, legit, emotional conversation. As we were talking I told him I loved his questioning because all it does is fuel me to go to MN, and prove to him that I can be successful, and make it. My dad couldn't understand what I felt I had to prove. And really...what do I have to prove?! Why do I need validation, or why do I feel the need to prove myself to people? Am I really proving myself to myself?? Why must I be this perfect, well put together person? My dad also asked me what is success in my eyes? All of the things I came up with were materialistic. I did say I wanted a family...you know...a husband, kids...but I talked about my job, money, houses, cars...the things SOCIETY measures success by. My dad basically made me realize that I have to find happiness and success within or I'll forever feel under par.

I think a guilt somehow have crept into my body. I always compare myself to my sister. She's 29, just had a baby, been married for 5 years, was a virgin until she got married, a minister...she's virtually perfect, and I look up to her. I wish I could have been half of the perfect daughter that she was. Not because my parents ever made me feel like she was better, but because I somehow made myself believe she was better. All the times my parents tried to explain to me that my sister and I aren't the same person, and they love us both equally, and that they don't look at me different just because I've chosen a different route in life...it's like something just won't let me fully fathom the idea.

So I'm left with the question of how...how do I become happy with me? How do I go to Minnesota and find success...in ME. Not in where I'm located, or by financial gain, but in iCandy.

Questions Existing.

*hugs and love*

-iCandy

Chocolate Desires

There you were...
standing in line looking like an angel.
Smooth dark chocolate skin.
Long well groomed locks.
You had a glow around you.
I lost my breath for a moment, and my heart skipped 2 beats.
I wanted you.
I craved you.
I desired you.
I lusted you.
I had to have you.

Just as I was about to try my hand, a voice spoke to me.
"Don't do it, Candy...you know it's not right."
I thought for a second.
*sigh*
"I know, I know." I told myself.
"This is wrong."
I continued to admire your beauty.
I imagined kissing your lips.
Holding your hand.
Caressing you.
I had seen you before.
I knew you were giving me the eye.
We had a connection.
I decided to give in.
I walked up to you, and your eyes locked with mine.
I felt something in my flesh rise.
"Calm down, Candy. This can't go anywhere."

That night I called you anyway.
We talked for hours.
You were perfect.
Everything I'd imagined, and then some.
Working, well mannered, well spoken, kind hearted.
I could go on.
Already I was thinking about the future that COULD be.
And then I stopped...
I shook my head and tried to snap out of it.
But I couldn't!
I couldn't help but think about how much I was attracted to you.
How long it had been since I felt the butterflies so strong.


Too bad you're a woman.

Ms. Second Place - Unfinished

You came to me looking fine as wine,
walked up to my chair,
and said you wanted to dine.
Sit right down Mr.
The Beginning.

Our conversation was great;
You were on the right track.
I liked the fact that you were respectful
while still going smack.
10 Points.

But then you said those magic words...
I'm married.
And you explained how your feelings for her varied.
The kick.

Ms. Second Place
That's who you want me to be.
You thought I could fulfill your fantasy.
Done.

You got up from the table,
and the next man came.
Gave him the benefit of the doubt
Not all men are the same.
Let's start.

Mr. Long Hair
You, too, were attractive. You had all the smooth words;
Fancy clothes, fancy car,
and ya money came in herds.
Suspect.

You sweet talked me
and told me you were single
You said you were interested,
so we started to mingle.
The Lie.

4 weeks later you came clean,
told me about ya girl.......

I now have writer's block lol...I don't think I'll ever finish this piece smh