F U Pal - 2, iCandy - 0

So the first point for F U Pal came when Cass carried me for a man, got married, and I got the short end of the stick.

All over the place F U Pal has been trying to put little things in my face to blow me, and just make me feel like crap. Everyone's getting engaged, married, pregnant, going on big trips overseas with their boyfriends, fiances, husbands, etc...well all of that definitely made me say WTF a few times, but it wasnt until a few days ago that the 2nd point was scored.

So I think you all remember Young Gent from the beginning of the blog, well...Young Gent and I ended up pretty much living together, and being in one of those gray area non-relationship relationships (big nono). We used to always discuss me wanting kids, and him not wanting kids. I wanted to have at least 1 if we got married, and he didn't want any. He was very adament about this for A LONG TIME. Eventually he agreed that ONE was an option if we got married.

Well whole time, during the course of our situation there was this chick he use to mess with (before me) that I always felt he still had a thing for even tho he denied it.

Lemme just skip to the point. Basically Young Gent and I had a huge falling out earlier this year, and stopped talking for MONTHS. A few weeks ago I sent him a manly arrangement, and he texted me. We talked, and I found out he was apprehensive about talking to me b/c he was in the midst of some drama. The drama being that he's in the middle of finding out the paternity of this baby that may be his.

Now at first I was cool. Like...ok...cool. Well we hung out, and I started asking questions about the kid...you know, is it a girl or boy, how old is it, who's the Momma. He wouldnt answer any of them.

So, it turns out that the mother is the same girl who I thought he liked, and its not ONE baby, it's twins...TWO GIRLS! This is where I got in my feelings. I feel a lil jealous, and I can't lie. He calls her a joint, she's never met his fam, obviously something's off if he thinks the girls may not be his. How you have a baby....correction - 2 babies...with someone you call a joint, but didnt want kids after marriage with someone you actually cared for? See...niggas be slippin'! Now he's all blown b/c he may be the father and won't be able to see his kids every day, but damn! You didn't even really want kids, but then you have end up havin' them by a joint accidently?! I feel like she got what I wanted. That's selfish of me to say, but I'm tellin' the truth!

I'm super in my feelings about this...super super super in my feelings. I'm not even gonna continue this rant because I'm still just like WTF?! SMH I'll be glad when I get a point!

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" - Adele

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

Cracked

There comes a point when that hard shell that one builds suddenly cracks, and all the emotions, feelings, cares that were hidden beneath rush out like a tidal wave.

For so long I've acted pretty cool, calm, and collected about this single life I'm living. Meaningless sex, non-invested emotions...I've met people I cared for and liked, but never allowed myself to become overly vulnerable to them. I've pretty much been too scared to get back into a serious relationship, and am beginning to think that maybe I've already met, and passed up my "Mr. Right".

While my heart has been protected by this defense mechanism I built, I can't help but feel empty. I MISS being vulnerable to someone. I miss having someone to be excited to see. I miss bearing my heart and soul, crying on the shoulder of the one I love. I miss all the things that make love scary and unpredictable, yet so beautiful at the same time. It almost feels like I forgot HOW to truly love a person. My heart is so cold and afraid that it no longer feels natural to express myself fully.

All the things I WANT as far as love/relationships are concerned just seem so far and unattainable to me. I want a family; I want to be married with children; I want to act goofy with my husband, and do things only he and I can understand. I think about it EVERY DAY, but I can't see myself going thru the steps to end up there. I don't want to be a single, 40 year old, childless, middle-class woman...miserable and alone. Even at this very moment my eyes are watering, but I'm fighting the tears because something in me believes crying shows weakness.

It's strange, I tell everyone else it's okay to cry, and that crying is a form of release, but I can't seem to understand it myself. I use to cry over everything, and be overly emotional. Now it's like I hate for anyone to see that I have any emotion at all - let alone know I was crying how I feel.

I really don't even know what to say now...maybe I'll be adding to this, or maybe I'll make a part II...idk...for now I'm going to drink some hot tea and go to bed.

Goodnight World
*hugs and love*
-iCandy

"But see I'll never get, why the earth is a puzzle that I'll never fit" - Kid Kudi

I Be Like No, No, No...You Can Go, Go, Go!

People always want what/who they can't have. I know a guy (let's call him Mr. Money) who girls swoon over. I've known him for about 5 or 6 years now. Mr. Money has loads of money and loves to spend it, thus he attracts gold diggers of all kinds. I would see him around, and we would speak...he even asked to take me out a few times in the earlier years of knowing him, but I would always turn him down.

At first I thought he just wanted the cheeks, and ultimately I still think that's what he wants. But it gets deeper. I'm a challenge he can't let go of until he wins. Now that a few years have passed, he's back to trying to take me out, bun me up, whatever. He calls every so often saying we need to hang out, or why do I treat him so bad. Mr. Money is always trying to tell me he's changed his life, and he really likes me. I still shoot his advancements down.

So he called me today for the first time in about 2 mths. I looked at the number on my caller ID, and thought it may be a call for potential employment (I'm job hunting). When I answered I heard his typical line, "Hey baby, it's your baby!" Lmbo...#Dead! I had the "oh gosh" face when I heard his voice. Of course, he asked to take me out to lunch and I declined because the last time I agreed, he stood me up! He never called to say we needed to reschedule or anything. You would think he would jump at the chance since I finally said yes lol. Anyway, he pretty much begged me to go to lunch today, and I still ended with a "No, now get off my phone. I'm going back to sleep." He wouldn't let me off the phone until I said I'd think about it lol.

I text him a few min ago to tell him we shouldn't hang out. Of course he text me back trying to explain why we should. Mr. Money isn't use to a female not goosin' and being thirsty...ESPECIALLY because he has money!! He's probably sitting somewhere right now like, "WTHeck?!" If I were a gold digger, I'd be all over him (I could definitely use a financial boost), but I'm not lol. I'm not into drinkin' and druggin' anymore, so our lifestyles don't mix. The more I say no to him, or carry him, or rush him off the phone, the more he wants me. HE CAN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!

I think it's kind of cute. He hits me every few months, and he will probably continue to do so until I tell him I'm bunned up. I wonder why humans love a challenge? I'm sure its just a part of our nature, but geez lol...people need to learn to accept that you don't always get what you want!

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

(0_o) That Awkward Moment When...

You say you love me.
I say, "I love you too."
You say, you don't believe me.
I smh.
You say you hate me.
I raise a brow.
You say you love me.
I say, "What??"
You say I'M bi-polar.
...




Really?

My life...I tell you, I sure know how to pick 'em lol...this all happened in one conversation.

*hugs and love*
-iCandy

This Thing Called Life

I feel like I'm a prisoner in a bad dream.
Trying to keep my head above water.
Dear Lord, help me!

My Heart Eats Beets

I never seem to know what to expect,
yet tears are what I always get.
The question of will I love another how I loved you,
Questions existing and the confustion won't do.

Just like a serial heartbreaker, your ways were agile.
You stepped on my heart as if it wasn't fragile.
I harbor a resentment; one I thought was gone,
Matters of the heart; you can't help who you love.

Where did I go wrong, why wasn't my love enough for you?
Why did you lead me on and say "Candy, I love you too?"
Well FUCK YOU, and all we've been through!
I wish these stupid feelings never grew...

Into a love so true, I trusted your every word
But it just goes to show how I was unlearned
I allowed love to take over instead of guarding my heart
And now my heart needs a brand new start.

How could you do that to me? Or maybe I should have tried just a lil harder...idk...im lost right now.

*hugs and love*
iCandy

Pretzel Brain and Emotion Drain