Monday, June 13, 2011

Self Exploration - All Things Considered...

Wow...my move to Minnesota takes place in 2 weeks. I leave June 28, 2011. There are so many questions in my mind that I find myself asking as the day approaches. Initially I thought my reasoning was perfect:

1) A safer environment.
2) Job Opportunities
3) Beautiful Peaceful Scenery
4) A New Beginning...

The list could go on. But as I began to name all my reasons for leaving to my parents, the words "proud" and "success" came up. I told my mother that I wanted her and my father to be proud of me. My mom's response was "IDK how else I can show you, and make you understand that we are proud of you. It sounds like you're not happy with yourself...". I thought about those words, and responded, "I'm not happy with myself...". So I began to think about why I'm not happy with myself.

Yesterday my father and I had a serious, legit, emotional conversation. As we were talking I told him I loved his questioning because all it does is fuel me to go to MN, and prove to him that I can be successful, and make it. My dad couldn't understand what I felt I had to prove. And really...what do I have to prove?! Why do I need validation, or why do I feel the need to prove myself to people? Am I really proving myself to myself?? Why must I be this perfect, well put together person? My dad also asked me what is success in my eyes? All of the things I came up with were materialistic. I did say I wanted a family...you know...a husband, kids...but I talked about my job, money, houses, cars...the things SOCIETY measures success by. My dad basically made me realize that I have to find happiness and success within or I'll forever feel under par.

I think a guilt somehow have crept into my body. I always compare myself to my sister. She's 29, just had a baby, been married for 5 years, was a virgin until she got married, a minister...she's virtually perfect, and I look up to her. I wish I could have been half of the perfect daughter that she was. Not because my parents ever made me feel like she was better, but because I somehow made myself believe she was better. All the times my parents tried to explain to me that my sister and I aren't the same person, and they love us both equally, and that they don't look at me different just because I've chosen a different route in life...it's like something just won't let me fully fathom the idea.

So I'm left with the question of how...how do I become happy with me? How do I go to Minnesota and find success...in ME. Not in where I'm located, or by financial gain, but in iCandy.

Questions Existing.

*hugs and love*

-iCandy